Fun Box Monster Salsa Recipe

Adult Threat : I Need to Eat More Salad Days.

Like many of you, I was pulled into my adult life kicking and screaming. In each issue of this magazine, I’m going to share some stupid thing that has helped make my horrible transition into adulthood slightly easier, thereby perhaps making it easier for you. In this case, “the thing” is how to make fresh salsa.
One of the greatest discoveries of my adult life was that you can just make salsa. Like whenever you want. Not that goop in a jar. That shit is garbage. I’m talking about actually fresh vegetables that weren’t sitting in a jar for months. Plus, the ingredients for nearly 4 pounds of salsa is around 12 bucks, and the alternative to not eating any fresh vegetables is, I don’t know, probably scurvy. Or rickets, or some other olde timey disease that only coal miners or World of Warcraft players get. 

So here it is in no particular order:

6-8 medium sized Vine Ripened Tomatoes. You could use different tomatoes, but I kinda hate raw tomatoes usually so I go for the nicest ones they have…

3 peppers, preferably one yellow, one red, and one orange.  THE COLORS LOOKS FESTIVE DAMMIT.

2 Jalapeños (or more to taste…or none if you’re not big on spice)

One big Sweet Onion 

6 cloves of garlic

1 Bunch of Cilantro

Tablespoon Cumin

Tablespoon Black Pepper

Tablespoon Salt

Lime juice. A ton of bottled lime juice. I just spray it in until it looks fully saturated, but its about a quarter cup…

Dice everything by hand with the sharpest knife you’ve got. This is slow work, so listen to a podcast or something. It will take you nearly a half-hour to dice everything properly. Sure you can use a food processor, but it will gooify everything, and it won’t be even close to as good. 

Mix it all up really well, with your hands if you’re daring enough… Split it into covered bowls and you finally have a delivery system for fresh vegetables that doesn’t suck. Get some chips, and enjoy not having scurvy.